When enough is not enough

Tis the season to be...

GRATEFUL

When I finally checked all my social media pages after Thanksgiving, I was inundated with (lovely) messages of gratitude. My friends and colleagues were thankful for:

• family
• friends
• pets
• food
• health
• jobs
• life

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Normally I would be jumping on the gratitude train adding my two cents worth because (blessedly) I have so much for which to send my thanks out to the universe.

Yet as I read these messages, I began to feel (uncharacteristically) grouchy. I felt like I HAD to write a message saying what I was thankful for on this holiday, or ELSE. But I just didn't feel like it. As a matter of fact, in the spirit of full disclosure, there are MOMENTS when I just don't feel happy or grateful at all!

GASP!

SPUTTER!

SHOCK!
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Fortunately, those moments are generally few and far between. So why on earth was my usual perky self feeling so unnaturally unappreciative on the very day we were to celebrate our blessings???
​

A rather somber me on a recent walk...

The idea of gratitude is a tricky concept.

Do we truly feel thankful, or do we sometimes feel like we have to SAY we are grateful for the good in our lives because it would sound selfish to not be counting our blessings?

​Even as I write this thought, the angel on my shoulder is sweetly whispering "List some of those blessings damnit and appreciate them!" as she sprinkles feelings of guilt onto my soul. (Yes, occasionally angels curse.) ​

And truly I do have so much to be thankful for, especially this season as I start the next phase of my life in California. But suddenly I realized that what I was cranky about had nothing to do with what I had, but with what I wanted....I wanted MORE....

Hmmm...MORE...there is a concept ripe for the proverbial guilty tree...

Am I greedy? Am I selfish? Am I UNGRATEFUL???

In truth I have many blessings: I have enough food, shelter, clothing...I have a job that pays enough for my needs and allows me to do good work to help others. I have enough time in my day to read and pursue my interests. I have enough of all the basics...and then some.

But ENOUGH is no longer cutting it.

The angel on my shoulder is no longer looking so angelic ...I see sparks and she is prodding me with the tips of her wings as she says in disbelief: "What more could you want?"

EVERYTHING.

I feel like I've woken up after a long sleep into the next phase of my life (you can supply the analogy although I would prefer Sleeping Beauty with Angelina Jolie to any version of Rip Van Winkle thank you kindly).

​So while I am grateful and thankful and feeling blessed (yada yada yada), I WANT the following as well:
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• Opportunities to travel - Driving across country gave me a sense of freedom I haven't felt in YEARS! Seeing new places, talking with strangers (who are truly friends you haven't met yet), figuring out where I was and where I was heading, finding out what people love to do and see and think in other cities...all so very exciting!

• Music - I miss singing...I didn't realize how little I sing anymore until recently...And gosh darn-it (if an angel can curse, so can I), I didn't bring two guitars across country just to have them collect dust in my (beautiful) apartment.

• Yoga and Dance - I love both and want to explore all the different varieties of each discipline. Anyone want to try swing dancing with me? How about acro-yoga? And what facility might be considered the "Kripalu of the West"? What about belly dancing - any good troupes in my area? Jazz, burlesque, ballet, hoop dancing, aerial yoga? Suggestions?

• Writing - I love putting my thoughts onto this blog, but sometimes I think there is a larger story swimming around my head...hmmm...stay tuned....

• Community involvement - For the first time in a long time, I feel like I "belong" somewhere...so what can I do to truly be a part of my new home?

The angel on my shoulder is practically despairing of any hope for my soul now. As she is sobbing away, she is pointing out every catastrophe going on in the universe and mumbling "Why aren't you grateful that these things aren't happening to you? Can't you just be satisfied with what you have?"

Perhaps that is the reason I'm feeling grouchy at this whole gratitude thing lately. the guilt that seems to be associated with it. I've spent my whole life trying to look on the bright side, even when it was not fashionable to do so. Suddenly everyone is giving thanks and sometimes I wonder if it is sincerely meant, or is it just the latest craze to do so?

And if it simply is the latest "it" thing, then awesome! We need more positivity out there in the world. Let's keep it heartfelt...and allow it to inspire us to create more beauty on this planet.

I just don't want to feel like I have to spout all the good things going in my life to prove my that I am not having a major catastrophic breakdown or suffering an unspeakable tragedy. And I certainly don't want to make lists so that no one thinks I am a selfish/thankless/greedy human being.

The angel has flown off my shoulder and is going to find a more thankful person to hang with.

I am grateful for what I have, I just want MORE...and I don't feel like apologizing for my hopes, dreams and ambitions, or to have to preface everything with "I'm truly blessed but..."

Maybe that's why Thanksgiving made me feel a bit off this year. Here I am dreaming of the next big thing, and feeling bad that I am not "properly" appreciating all that I have...

ISN'T there a holiday to celebrate the spirit of opportunity, ambition, and hope?

​Oh...right...

New Years is right around the corner....

Thank goodness...

Stay tuned...I feel resolutions are coming...with smiles...

And yes my readers...I am always grateful for you!